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"And ye shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free." - John 8:32
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Author:  Jim Wrenn
Bio: Jim Wrenn
Date:  December 18, 2007
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First drafts of memoirs of Hillary Clinton and Bill Clinton released without Hillary's permission by archivist at Clinton Liebrary (to be confused with Clinton Library) reveal bawdy poetry.
Unauthorized release of Bill and Hillary's 2001 drafts of their Dueling Memoirs add more controversy to Co-Presidency issues now arising in the campaign for the 2008 nomination.

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·Dueling Memoirs of Bill & Hillary Clinton·

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Amidst the still-raging , sometimes acrimonious and often comical but seemingly never-ending controversy over Hillary Clinton's refusal to authorize public access to all archives in the Clinton Library (also known as the Clinton Presidential Center), the unauthorized release of the first drafts of her and Bill's memoirs by the archivist at the Clinton Liebrary are generating political shock-waves.  (Use video box to the left to view the video.) One of the most unusual things about those drafts is that on instructions from their first prospective publisher, the Clintons wrote them in the form of poetry rather than prose with each of them writing alternating stanzas.  Bill wanted the title to be "The Billary/Hillary Dueling Memoirs," but Hillary wanted it to be "The Hillary/Billary Dueling Memoirs."   Regarding the current controversy over the archives, a prominent talking-point disseminator for the Hillary Clinton campaign, Media Matters.Org, expresses the view that the archives controversy is much ado about nothing except in the mind of the Darth Vader of the Right, Karl Rove, and thus tacitly and preemptively implies that if Barack Obama were to criticize Hillary's handling of the "archives" issue he would simply be acting as a stooge for Rove.

            But, due to conflicts between them in their first collaborative effort, Hillary instructed Bill to have the drafts destroyed back in 2001.  However, when those drafts inexplicably reappeared, the Clinton Liebrary archivist included them in a Clinton Liebrary Book.  Even more shocking, the release by the archivist also includes a video tape of Bill and Hillary dictating their respective stanzas.  (The video can be viewed in either WMV or YouTube/Flash format in a variety of size/connection-speed configurations using the image links on this page.   The best-quality version in the original WMV format is here-- isn't it better to view it on its creator's advertisement-supported page than to give the traffic to YouTube?)

            Since the Clintons wrote the first drafts in the form joint memoirs in poetic stanzas as suggested by their first prospective publisher, the archivist composed a poetic introduction for the drafts:

At first, for their memoirs, the Clintons were told
that sales would be better if both of them told
their Memoirs in rhyme 
in "his" and "her"  lines
with nothing exciting remaining untold.

So, drafts they began in the way they were told
in alternate stanzas not stodgy or cold.
But Hillary quit
and threw quite a fit
'cause Bubba so often went AWOL to troll.

"Destroy them," did Hillary firmly decree.
However, those "his" and "hers" drafts of their screeds
she thought disappeared
have now reappeared
through magic like records of  Rose law-firm fees.

And here's what they'd written as first they were told
in alternate stanzas not stodgy or cold:
Their Memoirs in rhyme
in "his" and "her" lines
with Bill's in italics and Hill'ry's in bold:  

Before they begin to read drafts of their memoirs,
remember the year when they drafted these memoirs.
'Twas 2001
when these drafts were done.
Their publisher called them the "Dueling Memoirs."

 

01. Regarding those Presidents, Adams, 
the first ones to bear the name Adams, 
mistaken by many as 

John and John Quincy, 
were John and his Abigail Adams
.

02. Historian, David McCollough 
reviewed John and Abigail's letters,
and said it's self-evident

they worked as Co-Presidents,
and also were passionate lovers
.

03. You owed me more power than Abigail
for saving campaigns like a Nightingale
by swallowing pride
to stay by your side

when bimbos erupted with spicy-tales

04. Your'e right that the First-Lady Adams
was first as Co-President Adams,
but Abigail's druthers

for John as a lover
meant John had no need for a madam
.

05. Though Abigail Adams was tough,
in sex John did not treat her rough,

but you thought it hip
to bite on my lips,
and so I said once was enough
.

06. From my point of view it ain't right
to claim you abstained 'cause I bite.
Your claim was a ruse
that forced me to choose

to find some Jane Doe's I could bite.

07. So what if my claim was a ruse!
I simply refused to be used
or practice submission,

so you went on missions
for fun with your pants at your shoes
.

08. I never embarked on such mission--
the fun always came to fruition

'cause so many babes
aspired to be slaves
to me as my Alpha Male minions
.

09. My point I will have to repeat:
If you would have just been discreet,
not once would Jim Lehrer

have asked on the air
if interns gave sexual treats
.

10. Although you contend I'm a boor,
a truth that you cannot ignore:
Had I not behaved
so much as a knave,

the POTUS today would be Gore.

11. You're right, but I hate to admit it!
I'm really quite lucky you did it,
'cause I can beat Gore

in Two Thousand Four
and be the first POTUS with t_____s

12. With hist'ry don't be so enthralled
'cause you won't make hist'ry at all!
It's well-known, you see,

you simply will be
the forty-fourth POTUS with b___s

13. I'll tell you what's really well-known:
When Flowers made her affair known,
't'was clear right away,

if I didn't stay,
you'd find your election was blown.

14. There's one thing you cannot debate
my book will pay more than your rate!
More people will buy

my book full of lies,
so I'll get twelve million-- not eight.

15. So what if my book-advance rate
in millions is just a mere eight!

I'll get retribution
from court distribution
of ev'ry red cent that you make.

16. You're smart but you don't understand
the A-D-A law of the land
protects the disabled

like husbands unable
to get expert treatment for glans
.

            Of course everyone knows that the Clintons ultimately published separate memoirs.   Hillary's book is titled Living History, and Bill's book is titled "My Life."   She published her book a year before Bill finished his.  Everyone remembers being shocked by Hillary's assertion in her memoirs, Living History, that she remembered feeling "shocked" when she learned that Bill really did "have sex" with interns.   As is the case with most things involving the Clintons, she gave a poetic explanation as a "teaser" several days before the official release of her book:

I titled my book "Living Hist'ry."
The reason, of course, is no myst'ry.
I'm "living," of course,
and also, per force,
I'm quite a great figure in "hist'ry."

For all, the big news of the day
are excerpts of what I did say
about my reaction
to Bubba's retraction
of claiming "no sex" with that babe.

It tells of my shock and dismay
when Bubba approached me to say
his statements were not
the truth-- he did not
abstain from an intern a day.

Soon after Hillary published her book, reporters began asking Bill why he hadn't yet completed his book.  His answer was, of course, poetic:

You ask what's the cause of my plight
delaying the book I'm to write--
My writing is shot
because I have NOT
had syntax with interns who write.

With twelve-million reasons for hype,
my publisher's hoping I'll write
a book not refraining
from chapters explaining
the things that went hump in the night.

Twill tell how I kept my morale
despite "kiss and tell" by my gals.
Although they implied
my penchant to lie,
I always stood up for the gals.

To hear an audio recording of Bill Clinton providing the explanation above, use the above-right image link.  There are many other questions about Billl's memoirs.  For example, why did he entitle it, "My Life"?  The answer is quite poetic:

Says Bill "My Life" Hist'ry is Living With Hyst'ry.

I'm Bubba, whose book ends the mystery 
of how I've entitled my history:
My book that's entitled
My Life is sub-titled
My Life I Spent Living with Hystery.

My book on my terms and elections
assures my complete resurrection
as history buff
on hystery buffs
whose monument merits erection.

When he appeared on "60 Minutes" to promote the release of his book in June, 2004, he faced questions not only about his memoirs but also Hillary's memoirs published in June, 2003.  And in answering those questions, he also spoke poetically:

My Life, My Wife, My Strife.

My memoirs I titled "My Life"
to supplement tales of my strife
as Lord of the Lies
and source of surprise
in memoirs of me by my wife.

In memoirs she named "Living Hist'ry"
she claimed like a reader of myst'ries
'twas "shock" that she felt
in learning who knelt
before me to lessen my mis'ry.

Of course I would never dispute
her claim she went suddenly mute
from shock when my lips
conceded that Tripp,
not I, was the speaker of truth.

To showcase my role as a paver
of progress instead of a craver
of pleasure so lawless,
I nixed Bradley/Wallace,
'cause, frankly, with Rather, I'm Safer.

However, to help 60 Minutes
at top of the ratings to finish
and not bust or bomb,
to soccer-type Moms
they'll tout it as "Bill's Sexy Minutes."

To complement Hillary's memoirs
devoted to women-v-men wars,
to no one's surprise
"My Life" will comprise
Part Deux of the Dueling Memoirs.

The end of this stanza foregoes
the rhythm a limerick should show.
My book is so groovy
'twill make a cult-movie:
The Clinton Horror Picture Show.

            The explanations above (in 2004) are not in the Clinton Liebrary Book, but it contains many other poetic insights.  One example is Bill Clinton's explanation of why he pardoned Susan McDougal but not his life-long friend, Webster Hubbell.  It's best explained in this video (use video links to the right of this text) in the Archives at the Clinton Liebrary illustrating the poetic explanation in the Clinton Liebrary Book.

 

Permanent link to this installment:  http://polisat.com/DailyPoliticalSatire-Commentary/Archives2007/du20y07m12d18-01.htm.

(There are also prior installments about "Dueling Memoirs" at http://PoliSat.Com/DuelingMemoirs.htm, which can be viewed by scrolling-down below the end of this installment on that page.)

Jim Wrenn
Political Satire/Commentary at PoliSat.Com (Editor)

Send email feedback to Jim Wrenn


Biography - Jim Wrenn

Jim is a proud descendant of 18th Century criminal exiles from England who swam to the Outer Banks when the British ship taking them to a Georgia penal colony sank in a storm near Cape Hatteras.  Having the prescience to prevent their descendants from becoming "TarHeels," they immediately migrated to Virginia, where, within just a few generations they worked their way up into poverty.  Jim's grandfather was the first in the family tree to see the distant horizons, but his career was cut short by severe injuries he sustained when a cousin cut down the tree.

After a brief stint in the Amry (ours) following graduation from law school, he began his legal career in the state bureaucracy but was never able to break into the federal bureaucracy.  Several years later, he entered the private practice of law and co-founded a small law publishing company.  Later, finding the publishing of small laws unstimulating and finding his private practice too private to be lucrative, he began writing political satire/commentary.  His greatest vice is taking himself too seriously.

He wrote the definitive books on the Clinton Era Error:   the Clinton Liebrary Book (pre-October, 2000), which he later updated as the Clinton Liebrary Book 2001 Edition to include Election 2000, the post-election shennanigans, and related events through August, 2001.  The 2001 edition is the only known literary source that conclusively shows why Bill Clinton pardoned Susan McDougal but not Webster Hubbel.  It also presciently contains the Billary/Hillary Dueling Memoirs.  At every opportunity he shamelessly promotes his books for orders on-line or by fax at www.ClintonLiebraryBook.Com.  He's also the Librarian at the Clinton Liebrary (www.ClintonLiebrary.Com), which owns exclusive rights to Bill Clinton's most famous speech as well as Bill Clinton's comments after revelation of the identity of Deep Throat in 2005.

As an amateur scientist as well as a scientific amateur, he de-bunks the man-is-causing-Global "Warming" theory, and predicts that by the middle of the 21st Century (when he will be safely dead) physicists will discover the obvious flaws in Einstein's Theory of Relativity, which will lead to vastly-faster-than-light travel through polarization of gravity.  As a constitutional-law scholar, he's trying to teach those who hold a static, zero-sum-game view of economic and social theories to understand that "property" is not a "thing" but rather is a human right.

Although he regularly teaches Continuing Legal Education courses to lawyers, he's too-often available through he Rubber Chicken Speakers Bureau to speak on politics, satire, etc., at luncheons, dinners, root canals, funerals, etc.  His speaking fees are so outrageously high they border on criminal price-gouging, but as a free-market advocate, he defends his fees on the higher moral ground of charging whatever the traffic will bear.  For more information (surely more than one would want or need), go to www.PoliSat.Com.


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