I can’t take credit for all of the following. Some have been sent to me. Some I’ve either read or heard here and there. A few have just plain spilled from the dark, dank and mildewed recesses of my mind. I hope, however, that some of them will, at least, give you a chuckle
It’s been said that the real definition of "well bred" is someone who can hear the William Tell Overture without immediately thinking "Hi-Yo, Silver. Awayyy!"
If you say "no" often enough, they’ll eventually go away and ask Mom.
First law of bureaucracies: "The cost of any proposed project is inversely proportional to the facts justifying that project." Thus, multi-billion dollar projects are usually based on "best guesses."
Manners are the Swiss Army Knives of human behavior – time tested, easy to use, and always helpful in unexpected situations. Too bad that, lately, they seem to be going extinct.
Our betters in Washington seem to have missed the point that you can stop more illegal immigration with a fence and an armed guard than you can with a fence alone.
Human engineering observation: You cannot shut your ears. Your mouth, however, is something else altogether.
If you’re still awake and worrying at 3 AM, talk to God about the problem. He’s probably still up and working on something too.
Experience is that huge, unmarked, and irreparable pothole in the highway of theory.
A prayer: "Lord, grant me the serenity to accept the things I can’t change, the willingness to change the things I can, and the firepower needed to blow away those who truly annoy me."
"Staff" – a cat’s definition of the human race.
In any organization, if you’re not at the tip of the spear, your job is very simply to support those who are.
Life is that awkward, annoying, and confusing period between naps.
Swallow a slug first thing in the morning. The day will get brighter from that point on.
Rocks and trees are nature’s way of reminding skiers of the laws of physics.
Two useful tips for men. First: Whenever you buy clothes for your wife, buy a size 4. She’ll love you for it. Second: Hold onto the receipt.
Be careful with good ideas. They can be "committeed" to death.
Those who define themselves as hyphenated Americans don’t really understand the meaning of the term "American." Those who vehemently define themselves as hyphenated Americans are, in general, a pain in the patoot.
Men, there are two ways to argue with women. Neither works. Get used to it.
Whenever the legislature is in session, it’s best to hide all of your money. Such is especially true whenever one party (and it doesn’t matter which one) controls everything.
Helicopters don’t fly. They simply beat the air into submission.
Most decisions can be made based on a combination of four questions. Is it right? Is it wrong? Does it hurt? Does it help? If it’s right and helps, do it. If it’s wrong and hurts, don’t do it. If it’s right and hurts, you’ve got a backbone check coming up. If it’s wrong and it helps, you’re about to plumb the depths of your character.
Insanity is where the mind goes when it finally comprehends the situation.
The road of life is complicated, the map is often indecipherable, detours are inevitable, there are no "U-turns," and the stop sign comes up without any warning at all.
Wrinkles are God’s way of saying, "I’ll be around to pick you up pretty soon."
If everything’s going well, disaster’s probably taking a nap. Be warned. Disaster’s a very light sleeper.
"Because I said so," is a perfectly valid answer to many of your kids’ questions.
Why is there never enough time to do it right, but always enough time to do it over?
As regards the Civil War; it’s top of the second, Yankees1, Rebels 0.
If it’s free, it’s advice. If you have to pay for it, it’s counseling. If you can ever use either one, it’s a miracle.
And finally:
Blessed are the flexible for they shall never be bent out of shape.
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